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Then,
let's suppose I deliver your precious piece of work to one
of the tiny handful of people I believe to be the
Dennis Haslingers of the New Millennium. Your piece will
then be tested and tested rapidly. If the test works
(meaning it makes a profit), the person who conducted the test will put
up all the money…

And let's suppose that person will also take care of all product fulfillment,
process credit card orders,
accept all the mail orders, handle all the complaints, deal with any alphabet agency
problems, provide both you and me with an accurate
accounting of everything that's transpired... and... pay us a more
than fair share of the profits generated from…

I say pay "us" because I'm not going to do
this for you or for our modern day "Ray Kroc" just out of
the goodness of my heart. I will do it ONLY because, acting
as the middleman, I get a slice of the pie.

Think a moment about the advantages of
an arrangement such as this: First of all, it reduces
the things you have to do to make money down to the bare
minimum. In fact, if my vision works as I expect it will, the
only thing you will have to do to make more money is write
another successful piece of…

Otherwise, if you decide to run a business on your own,
what's probably going to happen is, you are going to
find the time to do the most profitable thing (writing copy)
will diminish down to approximately 20-minutes out of an
80-hour work week. You see, what's happened to the rest of
your time will be…

Think I'm exaggerating? Trust me, I'm not. I
know whereof I speak. And, it's only getting worse. The
problems of owning and operating a business in the United
States are
exponentially increasing on a daily basis.

Here's what I think you should do (or at
least, here's something I think you should consider): I think
you should send your next or current marketing promotion to
me along with your contact details. If I think it's something worth testing, I will
contact you and we'll discuss it. If you and I can come…

Here's
something else you should think about: I think if you
have already written a successful piece which is making you money, you might consider letting me have a look
at that promotion also. Because, the chances are excellent
that successful piece could be much
more profitable if it were being handled by someone
the likes of which I…

I'm just putting all this out for your
consideration. You can do with your business and your life
whatever you choose. All I'm doing here is offering you an
alternative. (Actually that's a great understatement. What
I'm really offering you is...

A Vast Improvement

In The Quality

Of Your Life!

If you're interested, please email me your
sales copy with
all of your contact details. Needless to say, don't send
me anything that involves multi-level marketing or anything
dishonest or unethical or scammy in any way. I prefer to deal
only with marketing promotions that under-promise and…

Sincerely,

Gary C. Halbert

PS – I've reconsidered creating "The Gary
Halbert Hurricane Relief Fund." I've decided after all I want to do it. I want everybody reading this letter to
make a contribution to this fund. I want all of the
contributions to be made in the form of small, unmarked bills of
$20 denomination or less. And…

"Theresa, do not
open this envelope.

For Gary's eyes only."

I promise you, once I receive enough cash, I will go personally to
the disaster areas of the Gulf States and make sure as many young women as possible have
such a glorious "good time" they will be able to stop
thinking of the nightmare their lives have become…

Not only that, if I receive enough
money to straighten out the Hurricane Katrina mess, any
money I have left over, I will scurry to the Middle
East and straighten out the problems over there.

In addition
to that, I will begin devoting all my leftover energies to
curing cancer, heart disease, AIDS and every other deadly
affliction known to…

So, contribute now. Contribute
generously. Contribute anonymously. And, trust in me.

I wouldn't lie to you, would I?

I just turned on my TV and our local weather
man (Brian Norcross) says the effects of Hurricane Rita is
only minutes away from knocking on my door. Adios Shitweasel. I'm outta here.

Peace.

# 2005 - 09-27-05

From:

North of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

Remember my very recent newsletter in the
envelope titled "Operation Moneysuck"?

And remember how I told you in that
newsletter, if you are in the direct marketing business, your merchant
account is the weakest link in your chain of success?

Well,
that newsletter prompted an almost immediate reply from one
of my readers. He gave me permission to reproduce his email
in my newsletter on the condition I would keep his name and
contact information private.

Here's his email:

Hi
Gary,

I just read
your letter about the difficulties in obtaining
a merchant account for a direct response
business. I don't know when you wrote this, but
my discovery of your message could not have been
more timely. Here's why:

On August 30,
I launched a new business {website URL was here}
and lined up some seriously big affiliate
partners for the initial launch. Sales took off
like mad. My merchant account provider did not
like this one bit, and held my funds pending
further investigation. Apparently $90k in sales
in about 5 days by a 24 year old with…

I was jerked
around by various incompetent morons for days
while my insanely profitable business was
withering, unable to accept payments.
Eventually, they notified me that they did not
want to do business with me and would be closing
my account, and holding my money for 9 months.

The reason:
"They do not support my 'business type.'"

In a desparate
move I switched over to Paypal, but they killed
me after only about another $20k in orders.

I actually now
have my Paypal account back but I'm afraid to do
any decent volume at all, and I have told all of
my affiliate partners to back off…