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A final thought: If you ain't going to my website and getting your silly ass
signed up to be on my website mailing list, you are truly a dumb bunny.

Peace.

* Don King

# zkzz pound for pound

From:

South of Jewfish Creek

Help! I'm trapped in a trailer and I can't get
out!

Natural disasters seem to follow me around
like I'm a little pile of iron fillings bedeviled by some
giant cosmic magnet. Remember that monster earthquake that hit
California in 1993? I was there. I left Florida and…

She and I are dead asleep when the building
starts shaking like a six pack of empty beer cans thrown into
a high-speed clothes dryer. I thought for a moment I had
somehow passed out in the Empire State Building and King Kong
(remember him, the giant ape?) was shaking the living shit out
of the building because he…

The first words out of my mouth (and I swear
this is true) were, "Hey
baby, was it good for you too?"

Apparently God or whomever was at the control
of the GIANT COSMIC MAGNET that night didn't see the humor in
my remark because... immediately... a huge dresser crashed
down on my head. I managed to get out…

That part about everything being OK turned out
to be somewhat of an exaggeration. Her apartment was literally
shaken apart. Pictures and photos were flung from the walls;
furniture was overturned; her refrigerator had toppled over
with the door hanging open and milk, orange juice, eggs, and
the like were spilling onto the kitchen floor; her computer,
stereo and TV…

Finally the shaking subsides a bit and, in the
darkness guiding ourselves by sliding our hands against the
walls, we stumble from the bedroom to the living room and
kitchen areas. Whoa! Holy shit! The first of many (thousands
of them) aftershocks hit us. Somehow for some reason I end up
in the kitchen area and then, stagger back into…

"What?
What? What is it?" I reply frantically.

"You
Are Tracking Orange Juice And

Milk All Over My Carpet!"

Is that a woman for you or what? Actually,
I've noticed that all of us, as one of our coping mechanisms,
tend to focus on minutia when something monstrous is
happening. Believe it or not, her remark made me feel…

I moved back to the Keys almost exactly two
years ago. I didn't even get unpacked before me and Mongo man
(who has become one of the best copywriters in America) had to
catch the last
Greyhound Bus out of the Keys to escape Hurricane Georges. I
remember when we finally found the last two motel rooms in the…

Picture it: Cars and trucks are bumper to
bumper from Key West to Orlando, rain and wind are hitting
everyone with the viciousness of an artillery attack, you
can't buy, beg or steal a hotel room or any other place to
stay... and... in the middle of all this...

Some Idiot Bitch Wants

To Know If The Place

Has A Pool!

Last year it was Hurricane Irene. She dumped
so much rain on this part of Florida, she flooded me out of my
apartment and I've been almost a total transient ever since. I
rode that one out with my Aunt and Uncle in the upstairs part
of…

"Gee,
Uncle Jack, maybe it has something to do with the hurricane
going on outside."

"Well,
damnit, someone needs to do something about it. Wanda, you
call 'Rumor Control' right now!"

And so it goes. Now it's Debby. Only this
time, I've decided to write my newsletter before she
hits instead of after. I think it's just…

All Those Who Are

Fleeing Debby Might Be

Driving Right Into Her Arms!

Do you give a shit? Of course not. Hey, you
don't live here... so... I don't blame you. To tell the truth,
I myself haven't been fretting too much about all those
tornadoes in Oklahoma and Texas. What you want is to learn to…

KEYS TOURISM ADVISORY #2 8/22/00, 11 a.m.

INFORMATION
FROM THE MONROE COUNTY TOURIST DEVELOPMENT COUNCIL IN
CONJUNCTION WITH MONROE

COUNTY EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT

KEYS
VISITORS ORDERED TO LEAVE

BECAUSE
OF DEBBY

VACATIONERS
TO THE KEYS SHOULD POSTPONE

TRAVEL
PLANS

18-MILE
STRETCH RE-OPENS FOLLOWING

TANKER
ACCIDENT

"A mandatory
evacuation order for all visitors and non-residents to
the Florida Keys has been ordered by Monroe County
Emergency Management, effective noon today (Wednesday
Aug. 23), due to the threat of Tropical Storm Debby, A
state of emergency is now in effect…

"Previously a
hurricane, at 11 a.m. Wednesday, Debby had been
downgraded to a tropical storm by the National
Hurricane Center, but is expected to re-intensify and
regain hurricane status once it moves over open water.
The 11 a.m. position had the center of the storm
situated 19.8 N, 69.7 W or just off the northern…

"Although the
projected United States landfall position of the storm
is uncertain, the egress order for visitors is being
issued as a precautionary measure according to Billy
Wagner, Monroe County Emergency Management Director.

"Vacationers
with immediate plans to travel to the Keys should
postpone their trips until the storm is well clear of
the area and the tourism infrastructure has
normalized.

"All state and county
parks and private campground are ordered to close at
noon today. All high-profile recreational vehicles,
travel trailers and tent campers are ordered to leave
the Keys. Marine…

"All residents need to
pay close attention to the progress of Debby, begin to
initiate hurricane preparation plans and be ready to
respond to an evacuation order.

"No resident
evacuations have been ordered at this time. Schools
are to close in Monroe County Thursday and Friday.

"Monroe
County Emergency Management has activated its
Emergency Operations Center. The Monroe County
Emergency Information line, 1-800-955-5504, is
activated as well. The phone number for the
multilingual Keys Visitors Assistance Line is
1-800-771-KEYS. Keys tourism advisories are posted on
the Florida Keys Web site at www.fla-keys.com.

"The Orlando/Orange
County Convention & Visitors Bureau has a central
database of available hotel rooms in Central Florida.
Visitors and residents interested in relocating to
Orlando can call (407) 363-5872 for details on
availability and rates."