aazz about nothing

The
ad says for $499 plus $39.95 a month, you will always be
"connected" and you can send and receive e-mail to
your heart's content. Plus, you get pager and calendar
features, with the day, date and time. And to think, after a
mere 7-1/2 years of intense study... you will be able to make
use of the alarm clock, Swiss army knife and all the other
indispensable doodads which are represented on the tiny screen
by all these tiny icons. After studying this ad carefully, I
have deduced, it is time to crumple up this piece of paper and
throw it away!

B.

Here's a pair of gasoline-powered boots which has been
designed by a Russian professor. Each of these
"Fly-Me-To-The-Moon-Boots" has its own 12"
piston that fires every time the wearer steps down on one of
them, giving him a 13 foot
stride and speed greater than Michael Jordan.

C.

Here's a headline I like. It says, "37
Things A Writer Can Do To Avoid Writing."
According to the ad under this headline, there are
approximately 500,000 books written every year in the United
States... yet... 90% of these same books are never published.
Thanks to the wonders of technology, it is now possible to
publish your book on the Internet (where absolutely nobody
will ever read it) for only a few thousand dollars.

D.

According to Reuter's, the number of millionaires in
the world increased by 18% last year. There are now 7 million
of them, with a total net worth in excess of 25.5 trillion.
(And what's holding you back?)

E.

Ted
Koppel checks his e-mail only once a month. He is not happy
about the enhanced speed of communications. He says it
detracts from reflection and carefully-considered answers and
solutions.

F.

A
man in Wausau in Wisconsin who is a former computer analyst
has won $143,000 in damages from the company which used to
employ him because... his boss spanked him. According to the
article, his boss spanked him as other co-workers watched and
when his boss was finished, he put his arm around this man and
said, "Now you're one of us."