aazz about nothing

It's not going to be of earth-shaking
importance either way.

Listen: I have a tall wooden box I keep in the
main salon of my boat. It is painted a bright red. I call it
my "fodder box." I put newspaper and magazine ads
and articles in there of printed material that, for some
reason, I find interesting. There might be a rhyme or reason
to my collection but, I dare say, you will have a real
challenge on your hands if you determine to try to find it.

Anyway, here's some of the material from my
fodder box:

Here's a gadget about 3" wide and little more than
4" long. It has 33 buttons on it and a screen that
measure 2-1/2" x 2". On the screen are bunches of
little pictures. To me, these little pictures look like a
closed envelope; another one looks like an open envelope; yet
another is a magnifying glass; a rolodex; but here's two
pictures of things I can't make out or understand; then
there's a calendar showing one day of the month; an alarm
clock with two bells; a calculator; this one looks like
something thumbtacked to the screen as though it were
thumbtacked to a bulletin board; here's two checkmarks; a
Swiss army knife; an airplane; and finally, something else
that confuses me. This gadget is called a
"Blackberry" and you can get it from Amazon.com.

The
ad says for $499 plus $39.95 a month, you will always be
"connected" and you can send and receive e-mail to
your heart's content. Plus, you get pager and calendar
features, with the day, date and time. And to think, after a
mere 7-1/2 years of intense study... you will be able to make
use of the alarm clock, Swiss army knife and all the other
indispensable doodads which are represented on the tiny screen
by all these tiny icons. After studying this ad carefully, I
have deduced, it is time to crumple up this piece of paper and
throw it away!

Here's a pair of gasoline-powered boots which has been
designed by a Russian professor. Each of these
"Fly-Me-To-The-Moon-Boots" has its own 12"
piston that fires every time the wearer steps down on one of
them, giving him a 13 foot
stride and speed greater than Michael Jordan.

Here's a headline I like. It says, "37
Things A Writer Can Do To Avoid Writing."
According to the ad under this headline, there are
approximately 500,000 books written every year in the United
States... yet... 90% of these same books are never published.
Thanks to the wonders of technology, it is now possible to
publish your book on the Internet (where absolutely nobody
will ever read it) for only a few thousand dollars.