aazz about nothing

Whatever.

Did you know the "Jerry Seinfeld
Show" almost didn't get on the air when Seinfeld told the
TV execs he wanted to do "a show about nothing." Why
do I tell you that? Because, this is the first period of time
in maybe 15 years where I didn't have something I was feeling pressured
to write. That's a real luxury for me and I intend to take
advantage of it. Some of you will say "Eureka!"
as you read this newsletter and your creative juices start
flowing. On the other hand, I'm sure some of you will find
this "a newsletter about nothing."

It's not going to be of earth-shaking
importance either way.

Listen: I have a tall wooden box I keep in the
main salon of my boat. It is painted a bright red. I call it
my "fodder box." I put newspaper and magazine ads
and articles in there of printed material that, for some
reason, I find interesting. There might be a rhyme or reason
to my collection but, I dare say, you will have a real
challenge on your hands if you determine to try to find it.

Anyway, here's some of the material from my
fodder box:

Here's a gadget about 3" wide and little more than
4" long. It has 33 buttons on it and a screen that
measure 2-1/2" x 2". On the screen are bunches of
little pictures. To me, these little pictures look like a
closed envelope; another one looks like an open envelope; yet
another is a magnifying glass; a rolodex; but here's two
pictures of things I can't make out or understand; then
there's a calendar showing one day of the month; an alarm
clock with two bells; a calculator; this one looks like
something thumbtacked to the screen as though it were
thumbtacked to a bulletin board; here's two checkmarks; a
Swiss army knife; an airplane; and finally, something else
that confuses me. This gadget is called a
"Blackberry" and you can get it from Amazon.com.

The
ad says for $499 plus $39.95 a month, you will always be
"connected" and you can send and receive e-mail to
your heart's content. Plus, you get pager and calendar
features, with the day, date and time. And to think, after a
mere 7-1/2 years of intense study... you will be able to make
use of the alarm clock, Swiss army knife and all the other
indispensable doodads which are represented on the tiny screen
by all these tiny icons. After studying this ad carefully, I
have deduced, it is time to crumple up this piece of paper and
throw it away!

Here's a pair of gasoline-powered boots which has been
designed by a Russian professor. Each of these
"Fly-Me-To-The-Moon-Boots" has its own 12"
piston that fires every time the wearer steps down on one of
them, giving him a 13 foot
stride and speed greater than Michael Jordan.