2005 - 07-29-05

The way your mail is structured now, much of it
is not delivered. And what is delivered, an
enormous amount of it is never opened. And what
is opened, only a very small percentage is
actually read.

The "Options Hotline" promotion I am giving you
with this cover letter will achieve almost 100%
delivery by the Post Office. It will be opened
by almost 100% of the people who receive it. And
it will be read by almost 100% of the people who
open it.

It's pretty obvious to see why this will work so
much better than what you usually mail.

"But what about the bothersome logistics of
preparing a mailing like this?" you and your
superiors ask. Greg, I can tell you this... I
personally have created promotions that required
more complicated lettershop endeavors than this
particular promotion. And, I was able to
outsource it easily and to get 125,000 of those
letters mailed every working day of the week.

Let me tell you about just one of those
promotions. I created it for Health Laboratories
of America located in Phoenix, Arizona. It was,
I believe, the most widely mailed diet promotion
in history. The letter worked so well, we almost
couldn't find a list that wouldn't pay a profit.
Eventually, after years of mailing tens of
millions of pieces, we finally ran out of lists
we could mail to at a profit. So you know what
we did?

We got the file of everybody who had a driver's
license in the United States. Then we did a
computer program that did a simple calculation
based on the height and weight information
contained in that file. This enabled us to "kick
out" all the porkers who had a driver's license.
We mailed millions of those letters to those
porkers at a very considerable profit.

By the way, that file, when I last checked, had
a universe of 160 million names.

To hell with it. I know you guys are not even
going to test my promotion. But hope springs
eternal. And I thought before I did anything
else, I would give it to you the way it SHOULD
be mailed.